Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

*checks Timeline*…

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs