Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
You Might Also Like
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
S O O N
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.