PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
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I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?