PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
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SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!