Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”