Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone