Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

if a cop pulls u over play dead

her: what do u do

me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs

her: are u serious ??

me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo