Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.

His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”

#FreeRocky

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.