Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

just gave your address to some spiders

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.