Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.