Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
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Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
The pasta is now
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap