Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

Robber: [hands teller a note]

Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?

R: Yes, and hurry it up!

T: Why?

R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.

T:

R: How am I doing so far?

podcasts

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it