Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is the kind of friend i am

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”