Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
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wtf
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube