Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
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Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
kevin is now a local weatherman
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.