Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
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I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
The Struggle
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed