Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

*updates tinder bio*

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way