Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?

16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.

Me: 😊

16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

wtf management?!

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.