Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
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Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.