Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

scared to check what name she chose

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

Comparing yourself to others

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev