probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
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You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
