probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
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The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Who wants to be my Valentine?
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[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear