Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
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[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.