Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
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[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.