Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
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MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
⛄️
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog