Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris