Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
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Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Don’t forget to tip your server
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?