Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
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Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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