Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!

Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

Pretty much. 🤣

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

[ SEXT ]

Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?

Her: Footed pajamas

M: …

H: …

M: …

H: …

M: K, gnight