Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

Wolves should really raise more people.

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma