Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
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I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
pep talk
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
orange cat behavior
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
You deplete me
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊