Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.

Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

somebody come look at this

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.