probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
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Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
This could be us… but you playing
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision