Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
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I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Not today.. 😂
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks