Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
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Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there