Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
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I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.