probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
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Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.