probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
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Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.