Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

[Crossword]

7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.