Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
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My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.