Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

That’s no pocket rocket.

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

making sure he doesnt get away

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team