Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way