Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has science gone too far?

[McDonald’s interview]

Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working

Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*

Sorry it’s out of order

Interviewer: when can you start?

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

The government even made aliens boring

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

english majors be like furthermore

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches