Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
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What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.