Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
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my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Gods work.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.