Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
You Might Also Like
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Flock of bats
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.