Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

Boss: What are you working on?

Me: Something I have limited time to finish.

Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.

Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?

Me: Yes.

App: That would be nice, right? lol.

Me: what…

App: Sign in again.

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.