Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
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hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”