Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”