Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
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My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
fair
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
[montage of me giving-up]
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*