Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
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Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
guys I’m going home
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
sensitive skin
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos
Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”