Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
You Might Also Like
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.