Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

HEY JALAPENOS!

Me doing the macarena dance

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

happy mother’s day❤️

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.

I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour