Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

🥲

One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

idk what he going thru but i feel him

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.