Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
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My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.