Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
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Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Ok but actually
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
incredible google review i just found
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
hmm conte-me mais
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
My blood type is b hungry.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]