Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
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I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
You’re never alone. Theres mold
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect