Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
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If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.