Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

real

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

ㅤ

“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

me: what’s your favorite book

her: I love 1984

me: just pick one

Oceanography is all about current events

GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?