Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

The honesty is refreshing

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture