Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
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Kid, texting: MOM I鈥橫 HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we鈥檙e leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don鈥檛 yell at me!
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I鈥檓 here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she鈥檚 seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you鈥檒l be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it鈥檚 at 2%?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn鈥檛 ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 馃ぃ”
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it鈥檚 a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you鈥檙e still fixing printers then?
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you鈥檙e a pessimist.