No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.
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People will excuse almost anything if you carry your toothbrush with purpose, everywhere.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Dirty Dancing is my favorite movie about a girl who cannot dance at all, but wins a dance competition because her partner has a great mullet
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.