Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀

so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

🏙👨🏼

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly