Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
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A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Cake!!
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”