Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
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My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.