Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
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[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”