Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
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DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.