Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
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[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Worlds greatest photobomb
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.