Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”

*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day