Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
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I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
💀😭
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Dietest Coke
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing