Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
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WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’