Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
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One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.