Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.