Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life

when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register