Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
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My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.