Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird