Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
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Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.