Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

“Today is chest and leg day!”

-me, ordering at KFC

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.

Breaking news:

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.