Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
Why is this me 😫
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”