Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
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A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.