Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
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The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.