Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
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I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
🌱🌱🌱
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.