Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
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Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
hello pervert is such a strong opener
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On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon