Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
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If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….