Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
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[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Trumpy Cat
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side